They love themselves too much.

But that explanation starts to feel a little strange when you look closer.

Because loving yourself and needing to feel superior aren’t quite the same thing.

And narcissism isn’t quite the same thing as having high self-esteem either. Research comparing the two has found that while both can involve positive feelings about oneself, narcissism is more strongly connected with things like entitlement, grandiosity, callousness and putting other people down. Healthy self-esteem has a very different pattern.

So maybe the more interesting question isn’t:

“Does this person think they’re amazing?”

Maybe it’s:

“What happens when someone needs to see themselves a certain way?”

We all have a picture of ourselves

Whether we realise it or not, we carry around some idea of who we are.

I’m funny. I’m intelligent. I’m attractive. I’m the responsible one. I’m the successful one. I’m the kind one. I’m the person who always knows what to do.

These aren’t necessarily problems. In fact, having some sense of who you are can make life feel wonderfully coherent. The trouble starts when that picture becomes something we have to protect.

Imagine someone who sees themselves as exceptionally competent.

They make a mistake.

The mistake itself is manageable. Everyone makes them.

But if “I am highly competent” is an important part of their identity, the mistake isn’t just a mistake anymore. It threatens the picture they have of themselves.

Suddenly there is something to defend.

Maybe the mistake wasn’t really their fault. Maybe someone else caused it. Maybe the person pointing it out is jealous. Maybe the entire situation was unfair.

The facts haven’t necessarily changed.

But the need to protect the self-image can change what happens next.

Research looking at narcissism and self-enhancement found that people higher in narcissism tend to rate themselves more positively than other people rate them, particularly when it comes to qualities associated with status, ability and achievement.

That’s a little different from simply thinking, “I’m great.”

It suggests something about the relationship between the person and their own image.

And then there is criticism

This is where things can get particularly interesting.

Someone says:

“I don’t think you handled that very well.”

There are many possible ways to receive that sentence.

You might think:

Fair enough. I could have handled it better.

Or:

I disagree, but I’ll think about it.

Or:

How dare they say that about me?

That last reaction isn’t exclusive to narcissism, of course. Nobody enjoys having their ego bruised.

But when a person’s sense of worth is heavily tied to a particular image of themselves, criticism can carry a much larger emotional charge.

Research has found that different aspects of narcissism can relate to self-esteem in different ways. One study, for example, found that narcissistic admiration was associated with relatively high and stable self-esteem, while narcissistic rivalry was associated with lower and more fragile self-esteem, particularly following experiences of social exclusion.

So the stereotype of the permanently confident narcissist doesn’t tell the whole story.

Sometimes what looks like enormous confidence may sit alongside a very strong need to maintain a particular view of oneself.

And that gives us a useful distinction.

Confidence says: “I know what I’m good at.”

A fragile self-image can say:

“I need you to agree that I’m good at it.”

Those can look remarkably similar from a distance.

They’re very different experiences from the inside.

The mirror can become more important than the person

Think about how we know ourselves.

Part of it comes from our own experience. Part of it comes from how other people respond to us.

Someone laughs at your joke and you feel funny. Someone compliments your work and you feel capable. Someone admires you and you feel important. There is nothing strange about this. Other people are mirrors for us all the time.

But what happens when we become dependent on a particular reflection?

If I need to be the smartest person in the room, then someone else being smarter can feel threatening.

If I need to be the most attractive person, someone else receiving attention can feel like a loss.

If I need to be the victim who is always right, admitting that I hurt someone becomes incredibly difficult.

The issue isn’t simply having a positive view of yourself. It’s having a view of yourself that

needs constant protection.

And perhaps that is why narcissism can become so difficult in relationships. The other person isn’t always being experienced as a completely separate person with their own needs, feelings and reality.

Sometimes they become part of the mirror. Someone who admires me. Someone who validates me. Someone who makes me feel important.

Or, when things go badly, someone who has to be blamed for the way I feel.

So, does that mean every difficult person is a narcissist?

Absolutely not.

People can be defensive, selfish, insecure, arrogant, controlling or terrible at taking criticism without having narcissistic personality disorder. And yes, sometimes your ex really was behaving in a deeply narcissistic way.

You don’t need a clinical diagnosis to recognise that someone’s behaviour hurt you or that a relationship became unhealthy. At the same time, a label can sometimes become a shortcut that stops us from looking at what actually happened.

Instead of:

“Is this person a narcissist?”

we can sometimes ask:

“What happened when their image of themselves was challenged?”

And perhaps an even more useful question:

“What happens when mine is?”

Because this isn’t only about other people.

Most of us have versions of ourselves that we’d rather protect. The competent version. The good version. The attractive version. The independent version. The generous version. The person who would never behave like that.

Sometimes those versions are accurate. Sometimes they’re aspirational. Sometimes they’re outdated.

And sometimes we hold onto them so tightly that we stop noticing everything else that is also true about us.

Maybe knowing ourselves isn’t about building the most flattering picture. Maybe it is about becoming comfortable enough to look at ourselves from more than one place.

To see the person who is confident and insecure.

Kind and selfish sometimes.

Strong and frightened.

Certain and completely wrong.

A person doesn’t become less worthy when the picture gets more complicated. They just become a little harder to fool. And perhaps that’s where self-awareness gets interesting. Because there are many ways to look at a person.

Including yourself.

And what if there are more ways of seeing yourself than the one you’re used to?

21 Mirrors is a guided journey through 21 different ways of looking at who you are.